Finding the energy, time, and courage to create is hard and more often than not, the thought of making art for me is crippling. When I'm in the midst of working on a project, it's exciting, it makes sense, the whole picture comes together seamlessly without much difficulty. When the ideas don't come and the projects stagnant, that's when making art becomes difficult.
Instead of an outlet of creative energy, making art becomes an expectation and because of that, tedium sets in and the desire to do anything with it is weighed down with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. At least, it is for me. I can't speak for other artists but it seems likely that writers experience a similar anxiety (i.e. "writer's block").
So what to do? When I moved to New York, I simply stopped, full hilt. For almost three years, I produced almost nothing that I would have considered part of my artistic practice. I don't know, perhaps I was numb. New York does strange things to a person. But throughout my time there, I would remember time and again the tug, the pull, the constant whine that had the possibility of turning into a shout.
These first forays back into art-making are tentative, humbling. It's good to be reminded.
Visualizing a cohesive space is challenging. Perhaps that's why there are multiple professions dedicated to it: interior design, landscape design, museum curation, exhibition design, and on and on.
I received a gracious invitation to participate in a joint exhibition and while it's exciting (and it is very exciting and fun), there's work to be done. There's at least three solid drafts and a tiny model made to scale constructed from paper and tape. The later brought back memories of a technology class I took in middle school where one of the assignments was to create an architectural model of one's home. This was when technology was defined by it's more traditional definition: that of practical purpose and scientific thinking.
It's a process and while I don't have my entire vision completely mapped out nor do I have the construction in line, I've remembered how challenging, irritating, and yet, absurdly fulfilling it all is. How refreshing! Less than two weeks and counting...
I have often thought that this website of mine needed an overhaul, a complete redressing, but each time the memory of this space came to mind, it was easier to brush it away and to leave it for another day.
Maybe, mostly, the issue was with the designation I had given to this space: illumination, illuminator, art, and artist. As years passed, I felt these terms limited rather than defined me.
But to break free of previously held conceptions and ideas is the grandest adventure, is it not? So, I've whacked and whittled away at the old to create the new. This little outpouring of words is in memory of that adventure and in honor to a new, and less restrictive, one.